The Betrayed's Reaction: An Excerpt from Harboring Hope
Reading the material below will prove extremely beneficial for the unfaithful spouse in terms of gaining a better understanding of the betrayed's road ahead. While it's not an easy journey, it is a possible one, and with the right help, we can minimize unnecessary collateral damage for all parties involved.
The Reaction Task
The goal of the reaction task is to allow yourself (betrayed spouse) the time and space to experience the pain of the loss. Infidelity involves many losses, and it may take a while before you realize just how many you've undergone. The challenge of this task is to experience the feelings that accompany the losses. As tempting as it may be to circumvent your emotions, it is important to let yourself fully feel them.
Countless feelings are experienced as the initial shock and numbness wear off including anger, sadness, fear, guilt, loneliness, shame, embarrassment, confusion, and isolation. It is challenging to accept the reality of the loss, and the pain can be overwhelming. You will probably be on an emotional roller coaster for quite some time. That is normal and to be expected. Your feelings and thoughts will move up and down, back and forth, and all over the place for a while as you try to accept all your losses and the hurt that accompanies them. For instance, you may be having a day that seems better, and then, boom, seemingly out of nowhere you are hit full force with the feelings all over again.
Be patient with yourself, remind yourself that this journey is not linear or stepwise and can last a long while. Recovery is very much an individual journey deeply affected by the circumstances of the betrayal: the length of time, the type, who was involved, and the history of betrayal in the relationship. Your personal recovery is also influenced by other variables—your own personality, your history of loss, the culture/family in which you were raised, the support you receive, your religious beliefs, and any past trauma. Recovery feels more like a roller coaster than a journey, a roller coaster that eventually advances, but not before looping backward, maybe many times, causing you to lose your orientation.
Important components of the reaction task that you need to remember are:
Achieve full disclosure.
Recognize the multitude of losses.
Commit to working through your feelings.
Allow yourself the time and space to experience your feelings.
Do not set aside your own recovery until your spouse is safe and committed.
Realize you are in a vulnerable position.
In the reaction task, as you think of questions or request details, we recommend a twenty-four-hour waiting period before asking.
Achieve Full Disclosure
Individuals typically react in many different ways after finding out their spouse has been unfaithful. Some people tend to be ostriches and ignore what is happening. Others become volcanoes. Most fall somewhere in between. We believe it is important to know how long the infidelity occurred, what is included, and with whom it took place. While you should seek all this information, how much of each piece of information you need may vary.
In the reaction task, as you think of questions or request details, we recommend a twenty-four-hour waiting period before asking. We call it the "24-hour rule." It can be helpful to jot your question down in a safe place and then pray about it for twenty-four hours. Another safeguard is to not ask a question until you are ready for the answer - whatever it is. Before asking a question it is also good to consider your motivation in asking, and what benefit you will receive from the answer.
Quite often a woman or man in your position unintentionally finds out too much too quickly and maybe flooded with details and pictures. However, it is important that your mate answer any question you ask (if you both are considering or working toward reconciliation). The burden of protecting you from too much information is yours. Most of us do not need too much detail, but you, as the betrayed individual, must first decide how much detail you really need, and then know that your spouse is committed to honesty.