Why is Trusting Again So Hard?

Have you ever wondered why it's so hard to reestablish trust? Just last week a couple in my office struggled with this reality. Johnathon felt he had displayed amazing progress with his attentiveness and follow-through in the marriage. Sue, on the other hand, still saw him as self-centered and felt that he'd made no improvement at all. What makes our points of view differ so radically when it comes to behaviors within the marriage? 

(Please note: Names have been changed to protect identities.)

Sanctity of The Topic

Long ago I learned that couples fight because they are both right.

It would be foolish or cruel to argue a topic knowing you're wrong. We fight when we believe we're right and the other person is wrong and can't see the deeper issue(s). The problem stems from the fact that we're not on the same topic. Typically, one party speaks from the perspective of how they've been hurt, while the other party speaks about their intentions. It is impossible to agree if you're not even on the same subject.

That's the beginning of a "right fight." We were both 100% right in the points we were making, but we certainly weren't talking about the same topic. This dynamic reveals one of the difficulties in re-establishing trust.

Follow Through Is Paramount

According to research, in order to be considered trustworthy, follow-through has to be over 90%. If an individual falls below a 55% completion rate for what they say they will do, they will be considered untrustworthy. Given that standard, if you operate at 58% you might not be considered untrustworthy, but you certainly fall short of trustworthy.

Typically, the unfaithful spouse evaluates their performance by their intention. Past behaviors, to the unfaithful spouse, are just that—past behaviors; so in their mind, they have a clean slate since the infidelity has come to light and they are working towards recovery. By those standards they often feel they deserve the Most Trustworthy Citizen of the Year Award. Remember, the betrayed spouse is evaluating trust by their behavior (the infidelity) while the unfaithful spouse is evaluating trust based on their intentions (recovery), so you can see how the fight for trust can feel like a losing battle.

Understand Where Frustration Comes From

Here's the problem: intentions carry almost no weight in the betrayed spouse's evaluating system and current behaviors are viewed through the lens of past failures.

The betrayed spouse wants action. Even more, they want the right motive for that action. It's one of the few measures they have. It may feel as if actions done with the wrong motives don't count. The discrepancies in the scores awarded by both sides create a great deal of consternation. The unfaithful spouse may feel misunderstood and like nothing they do matters, and the betrayed spouse lives in fear that things will never change and their spouse will just never get it.

Unfaithful spouses, I'd recommend you take a hard look at your behaviors, not your intentions.

This is a huge piece to the puzzle of reestablishing safety. At the same time, your mate has to be willing to let me make amends. It's good to note your progress in recovery, but remember the weight of your actions. If you acted out for years and now have five months of good behavior, do you think that's enough "good time" to shift your mate's perspective of you?

You know your heart and your intentions, but how can your mate believe you when you've spent years deceiving him or her? You're going to have to be consistent in what you say over 90% of the time if you want them to consider you trustworthy again. Having good intentions over 90% of the time will do nothing. Please be patient. If you stay the course and become the person YOU can respect, then odds are that your mate will eventually join you. This is not about just 'saving the marriage,' but it's about getting your life back. It's about getting healthy for yourself first, then for your mate.

If you don't respect or love yourself, how can you expect your spouse to do the same?

Betrayed spouses, I'd encourage you not to discount the positive. Given the betrayal, it's natural to only see the negatives and to mistrust your spouse's actions. No one wants to be played the fool twice. However, if their heart is soft and they're taking responsibility, try to see their heart. Changing lifetime behaviors takes time. If you see a heartfelt effort toward change, please don't consider it meaningless. The goal is progress, not perfection.

Collaborated with Affair Recovery Center CEO Rick Reynolds