How long does it take to recover from an affair?
Learning how to recover from an affair isn’t just a matter of how badly someone wants to heal, it’s also a matter of time and dedicated intentional work. I can’t tell you how many times I get asked, “How long does it take?” My answer is always, “It depends”. One thing is for sure: Recovering from an affair will take longer than both of you expected, and it’s not necessarily based on how much you want to recover.
It has been my experience that it takes most couples two to three years with the help of a qualified professional guiding them. And, unfortunately, it can take longer when they are not dedicated to repairing and rebuilding. When the focus is just getting over it and moving on, it can take much longer. The psychic wounds of infidelity are severe and most often disastrous to the relationship when couples try to go it alone.
When my dad was about nine years old, he and his friends were playing in an abandoned warehouse. Somehow, my dad cut his foot—not just a little cut but multiple deep cuts. He had several surgeries and had to use crutches for three years. After his last surgery, his recovery required months of physical therapy and strengthening exercises. No one ever told him to quit faking it. On the contrary, people were telling him to take it easy, to take his time, to be patient with himself. No one minimized the extent of his injuries or the courage and patience he exhibited as he worked to regain the use of his foot. This was because his injuries were apparent. As a result, there was an outpouring of support from his family, teachers, and friends.
This is usually not the case for those who have been betrayed and whose wounds are secret. Their recovery is certainly as difficult as my dad’s, but there is little, if any, support. Instead, they are frequently told to simply forgive and quit bringing it up. They are told that their mate is sufficiently remorseful and that if the marriage fails it will be their fault for not getting over it more quickly. That is the equivalent of telling my dad that he needed to jump out of bed and quit being a drama queen, and anyone who would have said that would have been seen as unrealistic, cruel, and uncaring.
A Rough Timeline
People need to understand that it takes at least two years for the shock waves of infidelity to subside. That doesn’t mean it’s all bad for two years. In fact, couples may find they’re doing better than ever during that period, but, at any given moment, reminders and triggers can still occur. When that happens, couples can then find themselves experiencing the same distress they felt at the time of discovery.
Learning how to maintain safety during this time is essential for both partners.
In the best of situations, during the initial six weeks of recovery, couples are on a never-ending roller coaster. It only takes 1/200 of a second for the betrayed spouse to be triggered and move into a state of emotional overwhelm. Learning how to maintain safety during this time is essential for both partners. This is the season of discovery and reaction. Going slowly, being honest, and finding a good support group is paramount to effective healing in this phase of recovery.
Ideally, after the first six weeks following disclosure or discovery:
The revelation stage should be complete.
Reminders and triggers are known by both spouses, and both spouses are learning to deal with them, not necessarily avoid them.
Empathy is communicated often and consistently.
Anxiety usually decreases, but it is common for anger to increase in the betrayed spouse. Anger might increase because the betrayed spouse isn't quite as anxious about whether or not the marriage is going to make it, and they can begin to really feel their own pain as they feel more secure in the marriage. If the unfaithful spouse can continue to be patient and communicate empathy, support, and honesty, that phase of anger will not last long.
For the next 90 days, the focus is on anger management and relapse prevention; forgiveness is defined, and a shared marital vision begins to emerge.
Typically, the second six months are more manageable. Each person can hopefully see their mate’s efforts at recovery, and they begin to understand what went wrong. Maybe they are each working at healing previous wounds from childhood, adolescence, and other relationships. Intimacy should be improving as they process all of this. It’s a lot to do, but this work often results in a decrease in marital tension and an increase in hope. Frequently, couples report they’re doing better than ever.
But at twelve months, the wheels can come off the bus again. The reminders created by the one-year anniversary can send a couple all the way back to square one and leave them feeling totally discouraged, thinking no progress has been made over the past year. While that’s not the case, re-experiencing the same arguments and difficulties they had at the beginning of their journey is disheartening. Psychic wounds last. Anniversary reactions are a normal occurrence for most couples dealing with infidelity.
Couples who hold on to hope and maintain some acknowledgement of the work they’ve done will find new levels of intimacy in their recovery journey.
Fortunately, the climb over the obstacles created by anniversary reactions is not nearly as difficult as the initial stages of recovery. Couples who hold on to hope and maintain some acknowledgment of the work they’ve done will find new levels of intimacy in their recovery journey. Empathy, compassion, and understanding are necessary components to overcoming these anniversary setbacks.
Months thirteen to twenty-four represent a time of reconstruction. This is a time, if both parties are working their own personal recovery, they discover what made their relationship vulnerable. It’s a time of possibilities as they find new ways of relating. It’s a time of recommitment when each party decides, if they are willing, to be all in and give the relationship a second chance. While there may still be rough patches, if the couple is on a good trajectory, they can see the possibility of a new and better life.
Of course, the above-mentioned timeline isn’t true for all couples, but it can serve as a guideline. I hope everyone will understand that it takes time. There’s no way to shortcut the process. I wish there was, but there’s not. Please be patient; it takes time.
What you can do to expedite the process is learning to talk calmly about how you feel about what happened. In fact, you need to do this a lot; it is the one thing that seems to help couples work through the process. And guys, this is hard to do. In addition to the infidelity that you are working through, all marriages, happy or miserable seem to have to deal with the same tasks of being married: work, kids, aging parents, finances–you name it. And every couple sometimes messes up communication. Every marriage has some challenges. The thing that matters most to a successful relationship is the ability to repair when things go wrong, no matter how big or small.